Everything You Need to Know About My Blue Origin Bachelorette Party

An email from the bride re: her space-themed rager

Let’s go, girls!!!!

Hi, besties!

We all know Earth is kind of ratchet right now (even though I’m getting married here in three months), so I thought it’d be fun to have my bachelorette party somewhere truly STELLAR.

After I saw Katy Perry and those other gorgeous ladies have a blast (pun!) on their girls’ trip, I did something bonkers—I booked us six VIP seats on the next Blue Origin Space Flight!!!!

Get ready to put your atmos-fears aside! We’re going 62 miles above the planet to celebrate my impending nuptials, party with hot aliens, and get a new POV on life, all while floating weightlessly in a capsule. (Zero gravity is like the universe’s Ozempic!) Honestly, I am just so excited to get out of our comfort ozone and do something even more unhinged than Rebecca’s bachelorette party (Nashville and alcohol poisoning).

Oh, and get this! The Blue Origin team let me know we’ll actually be the First All-Female Space Crew to Likely Get in a Fight Over Friendship Dynamics. Isn’t that incredible? The first! Our party is one small step for women, one giant leap for us possibly landing our own reality show!

It’s going to be the best 11 minutes EVER.

Tasks/Duties

You’re all so special to me, which is why I’ve assigned you each a special task.

• Rebecca: We’ll be having Cosmos among the cosmos, so you’re in charge of bringing cocktail ingredients on board. (Please research how tipsy we can get between outer space and Earth’s atmosphere?)

• Jessica F.: You should organize preflight hair and makeup. (Vet a team with the skills to keep curtain bangs and lashes in place while going 2,000 MPH.)

• Jessica D.: What happens in the galaxy, stays in the galaxy, but…hire a photographer (NatGeo?) and start a list of TikTok content we can make during our 45-second downtime. (Should we do a choreographed dance to “What a Wonderful World”?)

• Madison: Reach out to brands and put together swag bags for the girlies. Idea starters: Orbit (gum), Comet (cleaner), Milky Way (chocolate), Venus (razors), Astroglide (lube), etc.

• Jane: Find out where West Texas is and how we get there?

Outfits

Nothing makes a bachelorette party more exciting than a costume change! I’ve broken down the day’s events so you can dress/pack accordingly. (Much like Earth, please make sure you are hotter than ever.)

• Arriving to the launch pad: Denim booty shorts and matching “Hard Launch” crop tops

• Boarding the rocket: Your favorite blue jumpsuit (absolutely NO rompers)

• Blast-off-wear: A couture gown from the Kármán Line

• The first three minutes in actual space: “Space cowboy”

• The last three minutes in actual space: Your sexiest pajamas or a lingerie set (featuring a celestial pattern)

• Back to earth: Leather booty shorts and matching “This is What a Feminist Looks Like” tank tops

• Exiting the capsule: A little black dress and your best “Thank you, space, for helping us heal” heels

Theme

I asked an AI chat robot to come up with party themes for us! Some of them seem a little…weird, but which one do you like best?

• Zero Gravity, Infinite Vibes

• Outta This World & Outta Control

• Taking Up Space & Taking Shots!

• Something Borrowed, Something Blue Origin

• Bezos, Booze & Cute Moon Shoes

• Uranus or Bust

• Bridal Mission: Burning Emissions

• Ballin’ Like Billionaires (In this Economy?!)

• The Bride’s Final Frontier (Derogatory)

• Houston, We Have a Problem (and It’s Us!)

• Not Our First Rodeo (We’ve Damaged the Planet for an Instagram Before!)

• The Last Fling Before a Possible Space Tragedy

Additional Notes

• You may kiss the ground when we land back on Earth, but I will not be doing so out of respect for my fiancé.

• Jeff said it’s okay if we get a little glitter in the cabin.

• No penis paraphernalia! This is a classy affair and the rocketship’s shape is distasteful enough.

• I know this trip seems somewhat indulgent, but when it’s over, we’ll spend the rest of the bachelorette weekend giving back. (Posting our hottest galactic thirst traps.)

Gifts

Life is a gift. Space is a gift. Your friendship is a gift! But feel free to gift me something from my registry.

XOXO,

The Bride

P.S. It’d be awesome if everyone could Venmo me $450k by Thursday.

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